I paid a premium for a villa a few years ago and the Wi-Fi just stopped working entirely every time it rained. You just end up sitting in an expensive room staring at a broken router. Anyone can put a nice bathtub in a room and charge a fortune for it, but actually running a premium resort is entirely different.

The reality of dropping two grand a night

Everyone wants the jungle villa in Ubud until they realize they are still sleeping in a jungle. Places like Mandapa give you complete isolation, but if you leave your sliding door open, bugs get in. I ended up having someone from the hotel come deal with a spider on my chair.

I don't go to the morning buffets anymore. I just order to the room. The only issue is that some resorts are so spread out that getting food takes an hour. I just order as soon as I wake up so I don't have to wait for a golf cart.

The beach situation is another thing entirely. A lot of expensive properties share public beaches. I once spent the equivalent of a month's rent to stay at a beachfront resort, only to find myself sitting in my expensive cabana listening to a bachelor party blast EDM music on the public sand directly in front of me. They didn't even stay at our hotel. You really need to look for places that strictly control their own sand, otherwise you are just paying to be annoyed in a slightly nicer chair.

Why your itinerary is probably ruining the trip

I used to book flights and hotels and then immediately fill every single hour with activities. I would drop my bags in a nice room and then immediately get into a taxi. I once sat in three hours of traffic in Seminyak just to go to a beach club. You pay for an expensive room and then spend the whole day somewhere else.

I don't book anything for the first couple of days anymore. No dinner reservations across town, no tours. I just stay at the hotel. I'll get whatever room service is fastest and that's about it.

I stopped booking early flights home too. I just look at the hotel's checkout time and book a flight for that afternoon.

Business class is part of the experience

I refuse to fly economy on long flights anymore. I just use credit card points. It takes hours to find availability, but it is the only way I can arrive without needing a full day to recover.

I also stopped booking villas myself. The photos never show the busy highway next door. I just pay someone who has actually walked through the house to tell me if it is loud.

I barely pack anything now. I take one small bag, let the hotel wash my clothes, and buy whatever else I need when I get there.

The trap of the hotel excursion desk

Hotel excursion desks are basically a markup service. I booked a boat tour in Thailand through the front desk once. They just called a local guy and doubled the price. We were on the exact same boat as people who paid cash at the pier. Now I just find a boat captain at the marina and pay him directly.

The restaurant trap

I stopped eating dinner at resorts. I got tired of sitting in a dining room that looks like a London bank and paying seventy dollars for bad food. I had seafood at a place in Phuket and it was clearly just microwaved.

I just get a taxi and eat somewhere in town now. I am completely done paying eighty dollars for a flavorless piece of fish just to sit at a table with a white cloth.

Tipping fatigue

The tipping at luxury properties is exhausting. Someone takes your bag out of the taxi. Someone else carries it to the lobby. A third person drives it to your room on a golf cart. A fourth person shows you how to turn on the air conditioning. I got tired of carrying a stack of small bills everywhere just to hand them out to people who opened a door for me.

I started exclusively looking for resorts that have a strict no-tipping policy with a built-in service charge. I don't want to calculate whether I gave the pool attendant enough cash for bringing me a folded towel.

The hotel spa

I stopped booking resort massages entirely. You pay three hundred dollars and end up in a room right next to the main pool listening to people scream.

I just find a place on the street now. I go in, hand someone twenty dollars, and that's it. I don't get cucumber water or a bathrobe, and I keep the extra money.

Skip the 500-room factories

I hate massive mega-resorts. A hotel with 500 rooms is just a factory pushing people through the lobby.

I stayed at a small place in Bali last year and the chef actually came out to talk about the food. At a huge resort, they are just trying to survive the dinner rush.

Small places have bad water pressure and slow service. I prefer that over waiting in a line at a front desk just to ask for a room key.